


dinner and diatribes

by thecoldbranches



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Alternative Universe - FBI, Behavioral Analysis Unit (Criminal Minds), F/M, Undercover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-14 15:15:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29669220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thecoldbranches/pseuds/thecoldbranches
Summary: spencer reid, resident genius at the bau, knows only one being he can fathom less than catherine adams, y/n y/l/n. she's ignorant, cocky, and a bad teammate. at least to spencer. however, an undercover case leads their dysfunctional relationship spiraling.(spencers pov) (season 12,13,14,15) (contains somewhat mature themes associated with criminal minds)disclaimer- i don't own criminal minds or the characters that come with it- i do own y/n as a character
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Reader
Comments: 1
Kudos: 15





	1. Chapter 1

1\. dinner and diatribes

apparently i fell asleep on the floor again.

my worn copy of 'the illustrated man' by ray bradbury sits open, face down on my lap, separated by my thigh. i pick it up, returning the twig from the park i use as a bookmark to its rightful place and stuff it back on the shelf i'm seated next to.

i didn't even notice the erratic knocking at my front door. i peek through the glass hole, ducking a little so i can see properly. it's jj.

jennifer jareau, my best friend. she's dressed up but she looks worried, which quickly turns to anger when i open the door.   
i'm not great at social cues (strange for a behavior analyst in the fbi), so when i see here here, and she's standing with her arms crossed, looking at me expectantly, waiting for me to say something, i'm clueless.

"you're late. it's almost 9, you were supposed to be at rossi's at 7:30, what happened?"

crap.

"shit, jj, i'm sorry i fell asleep reading. c-come in, i'll get dressed and then we can go, i'll only be a second." i open the door wider so she can meander through, and she goes to sit on the couch while i struggle to find an outfit.

i'm already dressed from work earlier, so i don't have to change much. it seems unsanitary to wear the same clothes at work, then sleep in them, then proceed to go to a team dinner in them, but i don't have another option.

i'm wearing a basic white collar shirt, paired with black pants, and a matching jacket. i decide on adding a dark purple tie, to look more put together.

i slip on my black converse, left one over a blue polka dot sock, right one over a plain orange one, a casual contrast to the rest of my outfit. then i remember a certain key factor in my enjoyment of tonight. "wait, is y/n going to be there?" 

i look over at jj and she forms an awkward smile, nodding. "emily made it mandatory for everyone to be in attendance. that's why we were worried when you didn't show up exactly on time." she picks her purse back up and we exit, going back to her car.

i groan unnecessarily loud, to establish the fact that i would be kidnapped and tortured again than have to go spend the evening with y/n. 

“spence you’re being ridiculous. i’m sure if you just have a regular conversation without being a dick, you’ll realize you have more in common than you think.”

i sideye her. “there’s no way jj, i don’t know WHY i hate her so much, she just sucks. she’s annoying, she thinks she’s better than everyone else, and she’s not even that good at her job.”

“you’re being dramatic. Just look at me: i manage to be friends with both of you, and i can tell you, you guys would get along so well if you just gave her a chance. almost none of the things you just said were true.” 

“so you agree on some of them?”

“i’m done talking to you. we’re here,” just as she says that, the car parks. i didn’t even realize how much time had passed, and now we’re just yards away from the very woman i despise most.

jj takes my hand, and we swing them back and forth on the walk to the door. "so where's will tonight?" she knocks.

"he's here. his brother and his wife are in town, and they offered to watch henry and michael while we're here." 

"speak of the devil." i drop jj's hand as y/n opens the door, tara standing next to her. "y/n." i greet her, pushing past her to get inside.

"spencer. charming as always."

i'm mad. even more than i was before.

before, i was at home. reading. sleeping. at peace. now i'm here. irritated. sober. and did i mention mad? 

i'm always wary of alcohol, even almost a decade after tobias kidnapped me, i'm wary of all substances. oh well. one night won't hurt.

i make my way to the kitchen, where rossi, matt, luke, penelope, and emily are standing around the island, drinking and making conversation.   
luke picks up a bottle, motioning it to me. i nod, he pours me a glass, and i join in on the conversation.

dinner goes as you would imagine. david made pasta, of course. y/n and i got into a very heated argument over star trek. she's convinced it has more scientific errors and inconsistencies than star wars. i know i'm right, and i feel no need to prove that to her, but a diatribe takes place anyhow.

a few bottles divided by the 9 of us later, we're all considerably intoxicated. my anger and harsh feelings have numbed down, and now we're all sitting in the living room. 

there's quiet music in the background, just hanging out like normal friends do.


	2. 2. almost (sweet music)

2\. almost (sweet music)

“no no no no no there’s no possible way you’ve never watched perks of being a wallflower. it’s a cinematic masterpiece.”

the night has slipped away, and now i’m sitting cross legged on rossi’s rug, across from y/n, who mimics my position. our faces are inches away as she scolds me for never having seen the movie.

“i’ve read the book, many times actually, ‘i would die for you, but i wouldn’t live for you’, i’ve just never felt the need to watch the film, i can picture it just fine in my head.” 

“okay but thats not good enough. we’re watching it on the jet or something when we have time.”

“alright i’ll hold you to that,” right now, even in our drunken state, we get along. i guess jj was right, we do have a lot in common.

“have you at least seen sixty eight kill?” she rests her head in her hands, propped up with her elbows on her knees, further closing the gap between us.

“no, i’ve never even heard of it. tell me about it.”

i’m honestly enjoying her company. It pains me to admit this, but i feel sorry for never giving her a chance to make a better impression. to me, she was just an annoying addition to the team, replacing elle greenaway. 

albeit, elle’s shoes would have been hard ones to fill, but i just held that grudge against her; seeing her as just another reason another one of my best friends left me. when in reality, all of these years, she was just doing her job, and i probably made that a living hell for her. 

“okay so the plot kind of sucks, and by sucks, i mean there barely is one. i just know they stole a bunch of money, did a bunch of drugs, had sex a lot, killed a bunch of people… so the movie kind of sucks. but the main character, chip, holy smokes he’s really hot. totally your type, after what i saw in new orleans,” she nudges my shoulder, bringing back memories of visiting my old friend, ethan.

“might have to take you up on that then.”

═ ♥♠ ═

“reid, i’m saying this one last time before i unleash all hell on you; please, for the love of god, stop using all the sugar and leaving the empty box on the counter.” 

i did that on purpose. i know how upset it makes y/n, and i thought after last night, she’d be more composed about it.

we almost had something last night. 

or so i thought; but now we’re back to our juvenile ways.

she walks by my desk, throwing the cardboard sugar box at me. it hits my chest then falls to my lap. without the patience for this right now, i take apart the box and throw it in the trash bin by my desk, and continuing with my paperwork.

“what’s the matter pretty boy, trouble in paradise?” tara emerges from the break room with luke trailing behind her. she takes a seat on the corner of my desk, sipping from her styrofoam cup of coffee.

y/n scoffs, “he wishes,” now there’s a crowd around my desk. Fantastic.

it’s almost five, which means the workday is almost over, and i’m behind. i’m never behind. for some reason y/n has been consuming my thoughts all day, and she has no reason to be. we’re enemies, rivals even. 

the unnecessarily loud chatter of my coworkers is drowned out by my thoughts for quite some time, though my body keeps signing off on papers. before i know it, everyone’s packing up.

y/n slings her bag over her shoulder, and emily emerges from her office. “reid, y/l/n, a word please? it won’t take long.”

“yes ma’am.”


	3. 3. no plan

3\. no plan

“i know the two of you don’t work very well together, which needs to be worked on; however, this decision is final, granted you two are comfortable.” prentiss sits in front of us with her hands clasped in front of her. 

“yeah i get why you chose reid and i, but is there any other person i could do it with,” y/n is insistent she not be sent on this mission with me.

“who said i didn’t want to go?” i shouldn’t have said that, now we’re arguing again. 

“agents please. i picked you both because i think this could be good for you guys. and you fit in the unsub’s victim pool, and frankly, i think you are the most ready for this.”

emily wants to send us undercover. there's been watch on this guy, todd harmon, for almost a year and to no avail. he's supposedly a serial killer, but he's a good one.

he's killed over eighteen people, all young, successful, happy couples, leaving almost zero trace.  
the fbi in it's entirety has been working relentlessly with all the spare time they have to catch him, but nothing. he keeps moving around the states.  
but we found him. he's been spotted in salt lake city, and emily wants to send me with y/n to bait him, and bring him into custody.

of course, with y/n being y/n, she has a problem with that. i'd be fine working with her on this. it shouldn't take too long, and even if it does, after everything i'm starting to change my opinions on her.

but i'll never let her know that. or anyone for that matter.

it would ruin my reputation. the team would bombard me with 'i told you so' and it'll be like smashing a pie in my own face.

after emily informed us of the plan, and by plan, i mean no plan; she lured y/n and i into an abandoned office near the bullpen, locking us inside with a notebook, forcing us to devise a plan.

you’d think in the fbi, the unit chief would be more understanding of the situation, and already have a plan for sending the two youngest agents on a life threatening mission, but no. emily’s different. 

however, despite the circumstances, and pushing our differences aside, we came up with the following (y/n wrote it so it’s probably a disaster):

-big house, lots of space so we can stay far apart

-pose as happy married couple so todd gets interested

-budget for new wardrobe ??

-mandatory date nights (to sell the act ofc)

-limit of four (4) useless fights per day 

-never go to bed mad at eachother (to make it more bearable) 

-find small jobs ie. cashier, delivery guy etc for extra cash

-no kissing (unless absolutely 100% necessary if the situation arises)

y/n came up with most of the list. naturally, i disagreed to a lot of it, but we came to a compromise.

since we’re locked in, i called emily to let her know of our finished task. she stood outside the door, arms crossed, waiting for something. i press the written list to the window, to which she notes and lets us out.

the rest of the day goes as expected, lots of paperwork to be done before we’re shipped away to salt lake city.   
informing the rest of the team was interesting. penelope and jj objected of course, the rest were understanding of what had to be done.  
we leave in a week. everyone could sense the tension building in anticipation of the upcoming mission; the only cure being a trip to o’keef’s, of course.

as the arms on the clock formed 150°, the bustling noises faltered, and a booming voice brought me out of my trance.

“reid, we’re going, are you coming?” matt slung his bag similar to mine over his shoulder, and paused by the open elevator, where the rest of the team waited.

═ ♥♠ ═

people think that just because i’m a nerd that hates technology and germs, that i don’t like to party. that’s not the case at all. everytime the team goes out for drinks or something, i’m never the one who actually relaxes, therefore defeating the entire purpose of even going.

if i could be guaranteed a safe space for me to indulge in alcohol, i would. like when we were at david’s, i’ve known him for over a decade, so i know his mansion is a safe place to let your guard down.

o’keef’s on the other hand, is probably the last place i would do that, especially with everyone else already ‘half in the bag’ as they call it. 

luke and garcia are dancing rather crazily, even though the music they’re playing is hardly made for dancing. emily and jj are nowhere to be seen, rossi, tara and matt are deep in conversation, sipping expensive liquor. someone’s missing though. y/n. 

where’d she go? 

i try my best not to seem obvious as i scan the room for her, then i spot her. she’s still in work clothes, standing out from the rest in sleek outfits, talking to some guy.

she’s standing with her arms crossed, picking at her cuticles on each hand. her knee is bouncing as she stands, leaning slightly away from the man. her eyebrows are faintly knitted, and she’s biting at the skin on her lips, nodding at whatever he’s saying, spaced out. she’s uncomfortable, nervous and tense.

doing what any good teammate would do in this situation, i put down my ginger ale and walked towards her. the man is facing away from me, which makes this easier; she spots me and her expression softens. i slink in next to her, slipping my arm behind her neck, resting around her shoulders. 

“who the hell are you?”


End file.
